Reflecting Inward and Projecting Outward

Lately, my mind has been turning deeply inward to revisit both some of the past and think about my future.

I Am Imperfect

So often, I get bogged down with inner criticism and I cannot seem to get that voice to go away consistently. Over the last few years, that voice has been calling back to things I did in 2010–2012 (so long ago!) and it seems to be a time when my brain really wants to go back and “make things right.”

While reflecting and letting the errors of the past wash over me like a healing elixir is a beneficial process, the desire to fix things that are so long in the past seems to be rooted in a deeper drive of the modern masculine.

The Modern Masculine

It is a confusing set of instructions we see society place on modern men—be strong but quiet, be bold but calm, be assertive but not aggressive. Often, I find it overwhelming but have really come to recognize I cannot be all things to all people.

Over the last year, I took a course that taught me to be a facilitator for men to come back into themselves. I think there are many of us who find that the modern expectation of men is out of balance, but the question seems to linger about what it would take to actually call men back home to themselves.

The program explored the concepts of masculinity over the last 100 years and how they evolved. We found comfort connecting with nature and found support in each other in a way I have never seen men in my life before. We explored breathwork and other yogic practices to find ways to reconnect with our masculine bodies in ways that have been lost in the modern.

While I still sit and ponder what the modern masculine means to me, I keep coming back to something we talked about in the program which still feels too big for my head to grasp:

“The masculine is the structure and the feminine is the flow. The masculine is the riverbank and the feminine is the water which fills it. One cannot exist without the other.”

I haven’t quite figured out how this philosophy affects all parts of my life but it feels heavy—like something meaningful that I should carry for this next leg of my journey. I know that it has given me a new perspective on my relationship with my wife—How can I show up to support her through being the channel which her creativity and emotions flow?

Sometimes I just sit and listen to her for an hour or two and support her flowing, bubbling waters. The practice has been impactful on me and while we don’t talk about it explicitly, I know she loves it.

Finding a Community of Men

I grew up with poor examples for masculine role models. As a result, I often have tenuous relationships with men. Lately, I have really been enjoying just showing up for men—taking the time to listen, taking the time to understand their struggles. I find these conversations incredibly satisfying.

As I look out on this newly found landscape, I wonder who will be looking back at me. Who can I be the riverbank for and who will be the riverbank for me?